Things I Will Do When I’m A Master Detective

Characters in mysteries make so many common mistakes! In these posts I list some helpful hints for what to do, and not do, if you find yourself a character in a mystery. Here are some helpful hints for when you are the Master Detective.

  1. When my spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/child becomes entangled in the brutal murder, which seems to happen with unnerving frequency, I will immediately send him/her away on an overseas holiday. This will avoid the inevitable crisis in which he/she is threatened by the killer.
  2. I will stop to ask myself, how come my spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/child always seems to be in the vicinity when a brutal murder happens?
  3. I will listen carefully for the one moment when my clueless sidekick says something useful, and not ignore it.
  4. I will check the birth records of all witnesses and suspects within the first hour to discover which of them are identical twins.
  5. While delivering my 15 page exposition at the end of the book on how I solved it, I will keep a close eye on the position of the murderer, relative to the murder weapon thoughtlessly left lying on the table.
  6. When the murderer takes a hostage to avoid capture right at the end, I will let my sidekick make the first move. With any luck I’ll get a more intelligent sidekick in the next book. Same goes for if the killer makes a run for it carrying a gun.

If you've enjoyed Things I Will Do When I'm A Master Detective, have a look at these two:

Things I Will Do When I'm The Killer, and

Things I Will Do When I'm The Vital Witness

Please use comments to make your own suggestions!


Josephine Damian said...

I will have endless conversations with my wise-cracking girlfriend or sympathetic gay-guy friend about my personal life, my man troubles, none of which will have anything to do with the murder plot/investigation.

Every sentence my commanding officer/boss says to me will end in an exclamation point (I just stopped reading a much touted historical thriller because of that one).

Dennis said...

Oh this is too funny.