Things I Will Do When I’m The Killer

The last in the series of helpful hints for what to do, and not do, if you find yourself a character in a mystery. Here are some helpful hints for when you are The Killer.

  1. I will not taunt the police by leaving weird clues. If I feel an irresistible urge to express my individuality, I will enroll in an art class.
  2. I will eschew exotic poisons, ingenious death traps, and homicidal pets.
  3. I will keep it simple. Nothing beats a drive-by shooting in a crowded street. If nothing else, the fifty witnesses will never agree on what they saw and will leave the jury too confused to convict.
  4. I will learn enough forensics not to fall for the detective’s ludicrous trap when he/she hints at having evidence he/she could not possibly have.
  5. I will not confess at the end of the book if the detective’s evidence is so weak that any judge would throw out the case.
  6. In fact, I will not confess at the end of the book, even if the detective’s case is ironclad, or if I’ve fallen into the detective’s trap. They still have to prove it in court, and it’s amazing what some juries will do.
  7. If my motive is transparent, I will not act until my false passport is ready and my wealth has been transferred to a bank in a country without an extradition treaty. Either that, or I’ll kill someone else instead.
  8. If my plan starts to unravel, I will not respond with a frenzied killing spree to cover my tracks (unless it helps me to relax). See previous point about false passports and countries without extradition.
  9. If the detective is an aged spinster, a pretentiously mannered middle-aged man, or some other irritating amateur, I will avoid most of my problems by refusing to talk to them. Better still, I will claim harassment from this nutter and ask a court to give me a protection order.
  10. If the detective is an embittered, cynical cop whose private life is falling apart, I will arrange for a lovely young lady to make his acquaintance. He will be so overcome with joy that he’ll neglect the case.
  11. If the detective has an infallible detective dog/cat/gerbil, I will accidentally discharge my shotgun. The penalty for killing a domestic animal is insignificant.
  12. Before committing the murder, I will check the police clear-up rate for my local district. If a master detective is in the area then a change of venue is called for. On second thoughts, I will stay where I am, murder the master detective first, before I have any motive to do so, then move on to the real victim.
  13. In choosing the venue for my crime, I will avoid overnight trains, cruise liners, isolated country houses, and the space shuttle.

If you've enjoyed Things I Will Do When I'm The Killer, have a look at these two:

Things I Will Do When I'm The Master Detective, and

Things I Will Do When I'm The Vital Witness

Please use comments to make your own suggestions!


Bill Cameron said...

My cynical, embittered cop would like to take you up on your offer.

Gary Corby said...

Ahah! See? The plan would work.