- When my spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/child becomes entangled in the brutal murder, which seems to happen with unnerving frequency, I will immediately send him/her away on an overseas holiday. This will avoid the inevitable crisis in which he/she is threatened by the killer.
- I will stop to ask myself, how come my spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/child always seems to be in the vicinity when a brutal murder happens?
- I will listen carefully for the one moment when my clueless sidekick says something useful, and not ignore it.
- I will check the birth records of all witnesses and suspects within the first hour to discover which of them are identical twins.
- While delivering my 15 page exposition at the end of the book on how I solved it, I will keep a close eye on the position of the murderer, relative to the murder weapon thoughtlessly left lying on the table.
- When the murderer takes a hostage to avoid capture right at the end, I will let my sidekick make the first move. With any luck I’ll get a more intelligent sidekick in the next book. Same goes for if the killer makes a run for it carrying a gun.
If you've enjoyed Things I Will Do When I'm A Master Detective, have a look at these two:
Things I Will Do When I'm The Killer, and
Things I Will Do When I'm The Vital Witness
Please use comments to make your own suggestions!
2 comments:
I will have endless conversations with my wise-cracking girlfriend or sympathetic gay-guy friend about my personal life, my man troubles, none of which will have anything to do with the murder plot/investigation.
Every sentence my commanding officer/boss says to me will end in an exclamation point (I just stopped reading a much touted historical thriller because of that one).
Oh this is too funny.
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